Post Op

So it has been almost seven weeks since my emergency C-section and life is pretty good from where I sit. It was the hardest week of my life I think (that week of delivery) but my daughter is a blessing I wouldn't trade her for the world.

Having said that, knowing I would have to endure another C section was news I did not take well when it was given, but due to the obvious gravity of the situation, I sucked up the tears quickly. Within 15 minutes, I was getting my spinal. In another five minutes, I was prepped and waiting for the OB to show up.

Having had a previous C, I know how fast things go. Once everyone was in place, the baby appears within minutes. Minutes came and went however, and I felt lots of tugging and heard the doctor voices become more hushed. I found out later how grave the situation really was.

My insides were bad. I had adhesions and bad bad scarring from the last C that made it impossible for them to re-cut. Lots of efforts were made, but they abandoned it in order to expedite the delivery. The scarring was so bad that my fallopian tubes and my bladder were glued to my uterus via this excess tissue. I ended up needing to get a new incision on the vertical and while they were cutting, the old scar on the horizontal ruptured. So I lost a ton of blood.

Once inside of me, they saw that the placenta was falling off my uterus, which is why the baby had bad readings while I was on the monitors (prompting the decision for surgery). Despite this complication, the baby was fine and has no noticeable issues due to lack of blood/oxygen while in the uterus.

I should be EXTREMELY thankful. And I most certainly am! My baby had a rough go of coming into the world but seems fine and is healthy, smart and beautiful!

The problem that saddens me is that the OB who did the surgery, the one they called in to assist due to its complexity and the midwife who was assisting, all agree on the fact that I should not get pregnant again.

This is very depressing news to me on so many levels. I don't even know if I would have had more (even though I know I wanted more), but being told not to get pregnant is not something that I enjoyed hearing. They showed me graphs and used very vivid language in explaining things. They were quite detailed. Hearing the issues I might have, the complexity of future surgeries, the difficulty of recovery and the risks to the child made it clear that they are right, but it is STILL hard to grasp.

I feel young and thinking my child bearing years have come to an end makes me feel old. It makes me feel like a huge part of my life and what I love are no more. I have a new life now. It's a different one.

They first told me immediately after surgery. Then while I was in the hospital recovering for a week, I heard it a number of times more. Then at my follow up appointments, I heard it yet again from the OB one week and the midwife the next week. They both immediately brought up birth control methods and made suggestions. The midwife had me leave with a follow up appointment made to deal with birth control insertion AND gave me strict orders to AVOID SEX until after things are fixed. Until I am fixed. :(

I don't feel ready to make a decision. I felt like they told me which methods they felt were best and I just nodded. I don't know the first thing about these things really because "long term" birth control was never part of my plan.

I feel numb still. I have tried for weeks to come to grips with this news and feel selfish sometimes for mourning so much.

I have two beautiful girls and some people are never blessed with a single child. Some people struggle for years to finally enjoy a pregnancy and birth, oftentimes only after seeking help from science. I have two gorgeous children and I should feel blessed. I do feel blessed, but I cannot help but feel sad for the children I won't have. Sad for the siblings I cannot give my children.

I am also quite Sad for myself. I won't experience pregnancy again. I won't ever again experience the great firsts I have started to enjoy with Emilia.

I won't ever get to be surprised by a plus sign on the pregnancy test. I wont ever again get to tell my husband the good news! Thinking that if I do get pregnant, it will somehow be "bad" news just doesn't compute to me. This is what they have told me, however. Becoming pregnant is BAD. Bad for my health and potentially bad for any child.

I could not struggle with getting pregnant because I know I would have to have that child. So I do have to figure out what to do to avoid getting pregnant.

It is sad, but it also doesn't sit well with me as a Catholic.

There is a lot more thinking that has to be done on this subject, so I am putting off the appointment so that I can do more research and rethink things some. I want to feel good about whatever I do and right now I don't feel ready or able to deal with any of it.

I love my girl and I am glad to have her. I love her sister too. My girls are special and make me a better person. Looking at them makes me happy and always reminds me that although my body seems to have many issues that make having a baby the old fashioned way impossible, it did a good job incubating! Thank God for that much!